*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.