*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
23. the denim jacket
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Isn’t
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
This week’s mood.