[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Maths meets science
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”