*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Breaking news:
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
How to woo a woman
im 7 sauces long
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that