*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.