*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
You Might Also Like
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”