You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Yeah. This was me today.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
#CatsOnTwitter