*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
You Might Also Like
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
No Google it does not
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.