*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
superman landing like a plane on his belly
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.