*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.