*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Xylophonist Shredding It
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight