The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.