NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
best first i’ve ever seen
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Please do it!
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?