*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me