*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time