*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
United Steaks of America
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy