[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
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My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Feels like the fourth month in January
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
i wish i could marry a nap
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕