[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.