[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
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Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.