This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
opening twitter today
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
<—- homeless romantic
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash