Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
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Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.