“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.