“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
cat vs inanimate object
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.