Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
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Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
mentally somewhere in italy
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Teach your children to beatbox
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!