[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
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It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Wikigenius
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.