[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)