[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero