taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living