[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up