[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.