[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
You Might Also Like
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Saturday
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life