[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
me
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
March 16
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?