[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.