Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
You Might Also Like
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]