[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
You Might Also Like
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
There’s always that one guy
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.