@InThaBurbs: Taking my sunglasses out of 2's hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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@UkeOfEarl1: [Working in a hospital] ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy ME: Uh oh
@Jenny4ashley: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*
@CEHudspeth: "I can try" is a great response to invitations because you're not even committing to trying.
@internetluke: [Jaden Smith at aquarium] "...any questions?" Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly? "No" What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water? "Huh" How Can Birds Be R