@fusedude: Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS3 in return.
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@shutupmikeginn: Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
@Smug_Lemur: [God creating the octopus] Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.