Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
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Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.