My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
You deplete me
this is 10/10 content no notes
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.