[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Ok but actually
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.