[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
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Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding