[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
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[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.