*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Nothing.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop