*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
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When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Ha.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.