You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Ah yes. The three genders
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.