Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
This is hilarious….
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
#SCOTUS one-star review
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
lmfao