@Sarcasmo718: Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.
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@BradBroaddus: I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at restaurant] Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine's Day! How many? Me: Just one, thanks. Wife (clears throat): Two.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My Roomba sucked up some cocaine & cleaned the entire house in 5 mins. Now my jewelry's missing & the Roomba's trying to bang the blender.