Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.