Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro