@HuffPostComedy: Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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@AmishPornStar1: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."
@sploosk: Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they- *coroner covers the body with a sheet* Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
@k8ieokay: Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks? *rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
@foxnerdrn: If he doesn't sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he's not as into you as I am.