@HuffPostComedy: Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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@cortronic: *looks up "how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds" on YouTube* *ad starts playing* *looks up "how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds"*
@MarfSalvador: 6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon? Taxidermist: He will not
@boring_as_heck: Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn't have access to the record scratch sound effect
@scarebro: Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn't go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.