DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.