Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My birth announcement for our third baby
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend