Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.